I have been putting off writing this journal entry, I know it is because I have to feel to journal and there for when something hurts really badly I tend to drift away from journaling.
I am very sad and hurt right now, my heart actually feels pain in it. I do not know why I am continuing to let myself be hurt. I will let my self be hurt and for the sake of others, and it is wearing on me. I have never been one to give up, but I give up when it comes to my feelings and me.
I do not think I can actually write the cause of my pain right now because it is still so hurtful but I know what it is and it is crying in my mind repeatedly. I hate to cry outwardly but inside I cry more comfortably and often.
I miss happy, me being happy I miss laughing, god I want to laugh and enjoy so bad. It just does not seem to be on my side right now.
I am rethinking things now that I thought I knew and had sorted out and felt comfortable with my thoughts. Unfortunately, events, words, feelings and past have changed that and it is very sad.
I love my son, I love him so much, and I never in my life loved anything until my son was born. I loved him the moment I saw him o the Ultrasound pic, heard his first heart beat. I swear it is as if I can still hear that sound now 10 years later. I will never forget that sound. Jamison is my son and I am so thankful for him. Thank you for my son.
I just want to be there to share and love him as much as I can. Being divorced it is hard, but I make sure and soak in all of it even more. I need nothing more then to think of him, I have meaning, reason, love, and he gives my hope, will and determination to become healthy mentally.
I end this short journal; for today with these thoughts and hoping that tomorrow when I journal I can touch more on how this all plays into my hurt, sad and disappointment that I am struggling with right now.
It is a start anyways.
Feb 27, 2008