Trapped inside of me is someone I am afraid of. Why? I am not sure. My mind is a million thoughts and each of them has a thousand more. Who I am maybe who I am afraid of and the someone inside is the real me. I cannot remember and have long lost perspective and cannot keep track of anyone feeling to place it in a spot that is comfortable long enough to hold on too.
Everything I feel that I thought I was that was so unique about me or that I enjoyed I am afraid of losing. Facing the fact that the mania and Bipolar maybe the touch to that someone or something I love about myself and losing it or losing the familiarness of it all seems SCARY and uninviting, yet the things I hate about me that that results from being Bipolar I am happy to give up, but I am so sad and ashamed to say “At What Cost”?
I preferred the before I knew what I am learning and understanding now, and even though my thoughts are in my head and only I can hear them, they are effecting my life in so many ways.
I use to love to write and journal, it was a part of me that came easy, I stopped and I am not sure, why? Maybe what I felt would come out on paper was to much for me to face or was capturing something I didn’t want to be anything but in my mind. I don’t think that me starting ,and attempting to open that door is a willingness on my part but I am forcing myself to since I think it’s my one attempt at having and being able to see what I feel, think, or who I am on a basis of my journaling.
I feel that journaling is worthy of honesty, and I am scared of my honesty to myself and my thoughts and feelings. If there is anyway that though I may face the undesired, wanted and uncertainty, that my thoughts and feelings and my mind will find just a moment of peace then I will for find a meaning for continuing the Miles of thoughts, problems, questions that I can’t seem to sort and file inside my ever flashing mind.
On the other side to those moments, periods of time where I cannot think for nothing to make things come together in my head. I feel slow and something that happened or I did just moments before are lost and I feel as dumb as a box of rocks, and that is frustrating as hell compared to what I am use to. I do not find that rather break from my usual quick thinking mind a pleasant feeling at all.
I find that trying to explain to talk about the things that I am experiencing, feeling, wondering, questioning, deciding are not easily to face for others and myself in my life. I hate that about being me and if I could I would continue to ignore the reality of things I am having to know start to deal, face, work with. But I don’t want to continue in a whirlwind of a life that has been my scattered life for the last 17 years, and knowing that for sure and not knowing if I will like the recovery and wellness of my life with Bipolar may be scary and have a lot of open what if’s and changes that I am not sure of, I know I at least owe it to finding out first and taking that step in that direction, at least for today at this moment for a different and better future, If there really is such a thing cause I have been at this point of A better future, brighter outcome many times, BUT never this way with the resources and opening the door to Living with Bipolar and dealing, learning and living with change in mind with a plan of action. Usually the when in this spot before it was just sweeping the past, and adding the negative into a huge dark area inside of me and locking the door uptight. I guess I am starting to really see that the room of darkness, hurt, shame, anger just grew furious and as time went on it started to breed off each other and damn it all came flying out until I could close it up and start all over again, Sometimes it came out in spurts and others more then some seem to be more Powerful and more furious then others.
I remember all the time I have tried to control my thought, feelings, and actions and it was like inside I was clawing at myself to do so, sometimes I pulled it off others It consumed me so fast I can’t recall what happened next and sometime later am just back in my thoughts and having to face a trail of destruction that I have stirred up and can not fathom how or what the hell was going on or happened that I just cked out some how for so long.
Then there is my times that I am so far into everything and yet I haven’t a clue cause I shut out and ignore like the plague the reality and truth of life, and I know when I snap out of that mode that I am ashamed more then I am when I am Manic cause I can recall or remember the la la land or denial I was in but was stuck there and it was at that time or moment for whatever amount of time it maybe or have been a comfort or inviting place that I was secluded too.
Feb 7, 2008 sometime in the middle of the night, can’t sleep, won’t sleep, sleep hasn’t been my friend for about 2 years now, prior to 2006 Sleep was all I knew most of the time, now I sleep as it is awake, or sleep for a week or weekend and then sleep once a week sometimes I have gone a couple of weeks without sleep, but I am not tired and when I am alone sleep is scary and dark and I have always been afraid.
Afraid of sleep, has a lot more to it I am sure of, but I am not into touching on that subject at this moment, in the past few days or months there is a feeling I can’t shake completely and I am at all cost avoiding it right now, because of fear and where it may take me the D will remain where it is for tonight.